In all honesty, I still feel a good bit of surprise at having today off, as it came unexpected. I did not request the day off nor did I expect to receive it (as I told no one of my current job as to when my birthday actually was) thinking, “well, people naturally work on their birthdays. That’s just how things are. I am adult and this is what adults do.”
I nearly fell over when the schedule was drawn up and I saw a blank box under Saturday and in the row bearing my name. I even asked if it was a mistake. Boss only said, “I didn’t want to make you work all 7 days.” I bowed and gave my gratitude, receiving a blank stare.
Since the start of this year, I have been trying to “be more adult” about things. By this I mean, not let my childish self feel dismayed or upset at things that are a normal part of life. I guess, in everyday terms, become more mature…
It’s a work in progress to say the least. Whenever my mind says to me “well, it just ain’t fair! Why does it have to be —-?” or “Why can’t I just be treated (childishly) just a little while longer?!” I remember my mom was 25 when she had me. It couldn’t have been easy, god knows what a pain in the ass child I was, but she pulled through it.
Because of this struggle, I have been a bit depressed lately (since March actually) and been feeling like everything I worked for, hoped for, just had no chance at happening. I felt like I woke up, but in a bad way, to realize that all my dreams were just that and a harsh reality was going to keep me were I was forever. I felt completely without hope. I began to want to pity myself. “Poor Ren, she can’t move forward at all. She will never make anything of herself…. poor, poor Ren. Such ambition, such dreams…”
I would often chastise myself at thinking this way, being strict and telling myself, “People (go through that) everyday– tied down and unable to be free (happy). Why do you think people are so miserable?” And everytime it would start to become to much or I wanted to tell people about it, I’d feel like I really had no right to say ANYTHING! There are so many people worse off than me, so what right did I have to complain? “Welcome to the real world, Ren,” I would think bitterly.
But today, I feel like I woke up and shrugged off that depression. Like I went to bed with a sore stomach and woke up felling better than I was before I got sick. Like I shrugged off my depression when I tossed off the sheets to get out of bed.
I was able to greet people with an honest smile. I felt like a different person all together and those feeling I carried for so long felt like a distant memory– like a dream forgotten after awakening. Everyone said I looked different. I certainly felt so.